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(Published in the Daily Reporter on 4/29/2009)

our parents sometimes leave us no other choice

Lic Victor M. Barranco C.

A cold mist, unspeakable, disgusting ... accompanies her since that night. Which at the time it was an efficient solution today, in his soul, in its name, the site of his sins, has not ceased to be a noise that stuns permanently. Which must have been love, maternal instinct, the result of the couple, the justification of the family ... thunders. Thunders ever. There is a quagmire of waste in their loneliness, their aspirations, the clock stopped in her womb at the time, forever. At the same shadow that tortures and accompanies it. In those feet could not kiss and now strange. In those games that could not play. In those eyes which could not be seen. In the tears that he felt. In that bit of flesh that now needs. There should be a smile where there is only earthquakes and hurricanes. Inside, when they have to be alone, there is a festival of hatred, fear of accusations on that anger does not cease. At that time no longer blame. In that sense God punishing her for ever. A time to repent, not enough night ... or life. Do not understand why, where there should be a dream, there's only one cradle for the storms. Go back in time and although justified, not left to blame. He was 18 at the time, and very few exits. Ten years ago, no one understood. Would be pitch home. An unwanted pregnancy, rather hated, it was like the prelude to a long thorny path she thought should avoid live who never knew ... and yet today it would not have to repeat it. So do not stop feeling now so you can not, a deep sadness. That feeling that life is forcing him to pay his past sins. Reminding every second what has been your greatest and shameful secret. He has traveled all the way, visited all the doctors, sought help from her friends ... but in that cycle through the shortcuts always feel that where it should be the path that leads to God, there are signs demanding that does not happen. He is 28, and a notice of the many doctors consulted to ensure that the dream that obsesses, you can not comply. It is possible that decision years ago to terminate the pregnancy, today is one of the reasons that influence it. When it could be a mother, not the time. Too many prejudices and accusations gravitated modesty about the possibility to make it true. Now that you want with all the forces of its kind, nature prevents it. She makes sure she pays about guilt. His partner ... it's just a chance of life.

"I wrote. Calls to listen. He says that his life can be an adequate witness to this reflection on the Wednesday. Looks very young. She is accompanied by his girlfriend, who is her husband in just three months. Are doomed, she said, to be a family of two.
- about ten years ago, tells me, having just recently turned 18 one day confirmed that she was pregnant. I had a boyfriend, a fellow student, who discovered sexuality a little jostling. Not to think of marrying or establishing families, a day we discovered, after the third full sexual encounter we had, that I was pregnant.

- How do you find?
- The first suspicion was when I left the "rules" ... I was a watch for that. Gone are the days ... and nothing. I waited a month and took several concoctions recommended to me "go down the rule," but no degree. Then buy one of those home tests to check the urine and, together with my best friend, I did it. Was positive. Then I repeated it like ten times because it's not that I did not think ... but I did not want to believe.

- When did you tell him?
- That same evening, at home, when he went to visit

- How do you react?
- I expected. Like I had something inside us told us long ago that I was pregnant. We were not surprised, but if we alarmed. The question, What does one do now?

- What are answered?
- No Degree, at first we were blocked. Because to tell my parents was to ensure that I kicked out of the house, and put that son and me to go work. My boyfriend was studying as I do, and their parents were not going to accept at home. His father was very conservative and probably would judge me in that light. Furthermore, it was what we wanted

- What did they want?
- Like a couple have fun, without complications. Here was an accident, unexpected. He had I trust to tell my mom and my dad was an ogre. At home, nobody talked about sex ... care to open the senses to that girl! "He said. I do not want to blame anyone, but maybe if the conditions of my house had been others, also would have been my attitude.

- Do not suspect anything?
- Never. We had rather a formal parent-child relationship. Of utmost respect and I think misunderstood. I felt more fear than respect. Corporal punishment mom and dad gave me when I did something that they thought were exaggerated. Beatings he received a Bachelor or tell him, sometimes just to talk with a friend on the doorstep. Imagine if I told you she was pregnant unmarried ... kill me!. No one in my house can be understood. My parents in front of my relationships with the opposite sex were too strict. And my sister, who at that time was 10, was too small to help me.

- What did you do?
- I told my closest friend with the request, with the pledge that this would be our secret. She spoke with her older sister who was very confident, as if to another classmate who knew little and who had asked for help. Search tips began. To talk to me mother, who ran the risk. I was with my boyfriend, he spoke to his parents. A premium. A teacher ... a friend who had been there. A doctor. A psychologist ... that I know, how many possible solutions. But I was afraid of being discovered. Fear of beating. A I kicked out of my house and go work. The rejection of my friends. Not to be able to raise that baby alone. Too many fears together for an inexperienced girl like me, and without having to turn to with confidence. Without being censored. I just hoped that someone understood me. Help me from the council, and not from the reprimand. Lead me to the right decision, without prior bias. To be put in my place.

- Did anyone put in your place?
- Nobody in my family because they never knew. It's more of a conversation over lunch companion was told that a single pregnant and not know what to do ... and my dad almost gives a heart attack. "You try to stop this mad right now" that's a bad example "and watch a pod, because I dump the house" "misunderstood? ... I would say little whore" ... I said almost beside himself. What I closed any way.

- And?
- Well, my close friend told me that the domestic her neighbor had told him, after the case had both on the premium, which she had been the same and had interrupted the pregnancy without any physical consequence, and that no-further-he had learned. That was an easy and safe. I was ... at first I was alarmed. I thought that's very serious to have an abortion. Especially that to me that I looked like an operation. So how would explain the absence of my house during that time? How would you pay? How can I not notice?

- Did you think of the child?
- Truth not graduate. At that time I thought only me, and what could happen if I did. My friend told me I only had a couple of weeks to decide, because then it would not be possible. I cried. I cried a lot. How I wished at that time to have a mother or older sister to hear me. I guidance. Let me take the decision.

- What about your boyfriend?
- From the moment you raise it I said, you decide. You are, essentially, who has the problem.

- What did you decide?
- First wondered how it was. I was told that a drug originally prescribed for kidney problems or liver, and which took two pills and two were introduced by the genitals and the three or four days had the expulsion of the fetus. That alone should be prepared with whom and how I was going to do after curettage. That was a day ... most two. To invent a walk with friends or a study day weekend away from home to justify the action. The home told us that she knew a doctor who could make me and give me the recipe curettage. That his office could be in the day. What a night at one of my friends was enough to recover. And in a week would be no problems. So I did. I got the money. I bought the pills and entrusting to God, I did. Everything went as planned. There was only a little more bleeding than expected, but in my friend's house so we could control who recommended the doctor. I went home ... and nobody knew anything ever. However, this tragedy is not the whole degree, only part of it.

- What is the other part?
- Following the abortion, broke up with my boyfriend. Then I had a few others but nothing serious. Until I met Louis, he was special you see here and with me and who today-and for three years, is my partner. He knows everything. And verse. He understood me and helped me get over. Like all couples, we have kids. We have tried during this time and we could not. I've been to many doctors who treat fertility ... and nothing. I've been told I can not have them. I will not be able to be a mother. When I could, it was impossible ... and now I want, is as well. I feel that God is punishing me. Although Louis says it's just a chance of life. I feel I'm paying the consequences of that abortion. But I feel well, I'm paying for the sins of all. Of those parents and diehard drivers who failed to teach or give me confidence. Of those that I caused more fear than respect. In this society of double standards that judges mistakes like mine so cruelly, but it makes one all the opportunities available to fall into them. That homeschool lie, where does not address the reality of life, but an ideal that does not exist. That does not speak out that forces young people to guess your way always, half the story. To believe that if there is no marriage, no family. That extreme religiosity, incapable of understanding and forgiveness, for all his preaching based on kindness and forgiveness. That social formality judging from the fit, which should only be absolutely human.

- Do you feel guilty?
- No ... I am a victim. In a family without trust between them. If sexually-ignorant as to the consequences of motherhood-even my 18 years.
- Do not you think that things have changed a lot in ten years?
- Less than you think BA. While there is greater freedom and a better understanding of sexuality, although there is a greater openness of the parents is not always trusted, "if it is possible to address these issues from a more open than in the past ... a pregnancy expectation remains a difficult problem to solve. A decision where life is at stake, someone should take, but knowing why making. An extreme consequence, many countries it is legal and socially acceptable no false scruples.

- If you play live that experience today ... what would you do?
- Depends. If this partner I have, would be the happiest mother in the world. If in the circumstances of the past, my decision to repeat the past.

- Even with the punishment of God?
- If a repeat of the conditions of my parents, my boyfriend, my ... ten years ago, even with the greatest punishment. Sometimes, children, parents leave us no way out!

His punishment, if any, is always at the same place again. At the same consequence. Unnecessarily poke in the void that was done to the bottom of that bag that lies the memory of that night to try to draw away some light, some warmth, some new smile to calm the sins that plague him. This obligation to rise from the sadness, every anger, every misery, every lesson painfully learned. Forcing every night, every new silence, every rebel tear each fault ... to forget divine. A let up, forgive all, justified. A to scream no yesterdays, no regrets. Shelves, rethink, rewrite .... Find that life partner that surely deserves. Turn the page, as far as possible. Find reasons to justify it sometime. Walking, just walking. No other obligation that each new morning. With no other immediate passion. Without further north than the repair of the damaged. Invent a place where they can forget the mistakes of yesterday, and from there look out without penalty ... to see, without fear, dusk.