put a damper on the way of life, values, principles, gender, which had always been ... the north that he forced to rebuild an afternoon, amid the most terrible without reason. The great passion, great love, conceived now, after the storm, otherwise ... one, do not even have imagined. Flooded, painfully, for all the troubles when he presented his back as a shield, and only succeeded in that lust and perversion of other write in it the darkest and merciless stories. There was then, worst injury possible .... The smell of shame, then drowned the signal of any scar. The noise of any honor. The space of any vigor ... It was not easy to assimilate the daily laceration, permanent ruin, demolishing the argument put forward busy ... all the spears pointing to where at some point he had written to hope talks opened fire in the wind to appease, once and for all, all that had been until then. Learned to turn their grief into an excuse for hatred ... in a trap for the long-awaited revenge. In this tool replaces the love life when the pain passes places of dreams, in the issue ... and is capable of writing thousands of miserable stories each day to the best of their own notebooks. In the midst of tough winter, the tulips fade, had lost its aroma, smoothness were withered in ... but no one was noticing. It was then felt that he had been tamed by the abuse. Seized by the assault. Enslaved by this perversion of force imposed on him. It was when the shoes are placed upside down and back, this time voluntarily, to what was his usual punishment. At the same ruthlessness. The dirty denominator of his last days. Forgetting the family. A hormone that behavior itself is not explained, and in that there are no fingerprints, no desires, no hatred. Only the suppression of rabies in the midst of a newfound delight with which, despite the intimate-guilt is clear to himself what he wrote as a personal definition for so long. On the road where he had retraced the laughter, he managed new laughter, but imagine how hard it would cope with it, without falling into depression. Makeup new weaknesses, consequences of the old misery ... and do not understand the ghosts that visit him now, live the passion discovered at the edge of the gutter. For once in a while to sink in it, and let the animal out to romp ... even knowing that it hurts and hurts all who love him for it. Try to explain the reason for his change ... but is afraid to tell a specialist, and more to the family, to avoid what they considered to be the biggest disappointment. He no longer knows who he is ... he thinks, that only a perverted desire instrument
"I have sent several emails. However, many times postponed the dates for the interviews. Restless, you feel this time and only heard when he greets ...
- Forgive degree, I says, but I'm a little nervous. When I tell you to infer that I am very little. A waste of man. A pod too bad!
- Do not beat yourself up ... tell me, that perhaps exaggerate the cruel self
do you - No, I do not exaggerate ... it's going to jump off that chair when I tell him my story. Must be the worst thing you've heard
- Well, tell me and see ... I do not usually prejudge anyone
- Many years ago I was arrested for a fight at a party, where I struck a neighbor with a knife ... nothing major, but he had important connections in the side of power. I demanded, I formally charged and arrested me for attempted murder. I had a little over a year in jail, but that year changed my life forever
- The prison, I say, especially in our country irreversibly traumatized those who suffer. Let him or her indelible mark on his memory, and some ... in his conduct
- Let me continue to benefit graduate. They took me to Tocuyito. There the first night when I heard some sound resources with some metal bars and shouting "reached new flesh" ... "look at that Daddy." I was so scared by the stories I had missed ... but I thought that "my crime" was not the worst, I lock up with other people. But no, I was wrong. That night the guards themselves, understand that on instructions from the neighbor who hurt, threw me to the alligators. First I took the watch. Clothes, shoes. Then I submitted to force. I was raped more than twenty inmates ... the episode was so terrible, that I fainted several times. And every time he came back to me, was someone satisfying their aberration in my body. It was a sickening mixture of fluids, blood and excreta. But none of them cared. Animals were turning on me as the worst of instincts. What meanest desires. The cruelest of attacks.
- Nobody intervened to your aid?
- No, not even the trustees morbidly enjoyed the scene. Only when the inmates were satisfied or tired, stop. I did not even moved. So great was the physical pain I could not move ... but much larger moral pain that I had hoped to trap inside to die after that. The next morning as I washed myself. Someone had sent me help for that. Did not even ask. I accepted it in silence through shame required. Not looked at his face. As I washed my underwear was all left me, and so wet and stained ... put it on. After I got pants and a shirt ... and although at first I refused to accept it, I ended up doing. I sat in a corner, and there on the floor I fell asleep in the middle of thousands of sensations of the most disastrous. The hatred of revenge. The boundless shame to know what think my wife and my children if they knew. In this unbearable physical discomfort, namely if the value would take my life
- Did you ever knew Who helped you? ... It was like getting a friend or an ally in the midst of this nightmarish scenario that lived
- Sure. The second night I prayed to my God, after making any kind of blame for what I had done so to protect me. I stayed at "the corner" who had done "my site" ... waiting.
- Did something happen?
- No ... I fell asleep waiting for the worst repeat, but nobody got me that night. Do not know if it was because I had been punished enough .... Or because he was not physically able to endure another "redoblona" as one told me later. The next day, with more than 24 hours without eating, the person who helped me with clothes, approached me with a little coffee and a piece of bread. Although suspicious, attacked me very hungry, and I accepted. He stayed there with me while I was taking my coffee and ate the bread, in absolute silence. Before leaving he said, The Morocho want to talk to you alone and that for you. I will fix it to be tonight as midnight. I, suspicious, but I thought that if I had a conversation with one of them at midnight, not going to go for me at that time and I accepted. Total, the worse I would not go.
- Who was the dark?
- I'll explain, he says. Proved to be the head of the bugs. That night I went and talked to me. He told me of life in prison and advised me to "understand" and "accept the good" that reality. I offered to protect me as he did after the "attack" of my "colleagues" in prison. I asked him why he had not done at the time of the attack so much aggression I had avoided. It was that I had not heard and continued talking. He suggested me "your partner" while he was imprisoned and enjoy many privileges ... and added, for good or bad ... you decide!
- What did you decide?
- do not! .. I would accept it ... would rather be killed. Then I said, it will kill you. Anyway, because I like you, I'll give you a week to think about and access, also a good time for you to recover. Meanwhile, someone will be nearby, watching out .... I grabbed her face and went
- What happened then?
- After four days, having recovered, with no one to mess with me ... at night, in my corner I suddenly realized I was alone. All had been removed. I was filled with fear and decided to defend myself or die that night, but would not allow another humiliation. I fell asleep when I felt that I was tying. The Morocho was there, and he raped me ... no tell me anything. Satisfied, he went and left me tied up the other day. When I was released I tried to hang the pants, but someone tipped off the guards and took me out for Nursing ... I begged them to let me die but not let me. Being in Nursing, The Morocho visited me and said, accept it ... it will be easier for everyone. You see I have access to every corner of this mess!. I tried to hit him, wanted to kill him, but I caught and sedated me. When I awoke I was back lying on the ground, in the same corner he had done mine. That weekend had seen, and my wife and my brother would come to visit. Just thinking about how to see them face without my noticing all the shame I felt. Feared to be told what I had done. Shamelessness fill me and talk to the character who "took care of me" and asked that my family will not know anything .... And it was. My wife just came to notice dark circles and pallor on my face, which once claimed the status of prisoner. I spoke of my children and I cried. I cried a lot. First drain all of what was happening and that Elena and John my brother, attributed to the issue of children.
- How you paid for the favor you asked?
- Nobody told me afterwards. But at night, after I fell asleep, The handcuffed me again and again to violate Morocho me. This happened on many nights ... even while avoiding harm me ... I would say almost affectionate ... and here comes the worst. One night when I had sexually, I felt pleasure. A foul pleasure. I do not know if it was the custom, loneliness, instinct, or the crap that I had inside. My body responded to stimuli, as opposed though my mind had already resigned. I do not know if he realized, but had changed. Imagine a male macho degree 35 years married with children, feeling delight with the author of the systematic rape and subjugation of thought ... I had become queer. Or he was a philanderer who caged the Morocho, he dropped the bow. I felt more dog who attacked me. More despicable than them, but sometimes I consoled myself saying that it was an action of the mind before the aggression that had been subjected. But no, because I had a lot of things when I was released a few months have felt and having consensual intercourse thereafter.
- How did you react to your home?
- did not want to see the face of my wife. That night, even she expected a close encounter with me, for he imagined that after nearly two years couples, I would despair at home ... but it was not. I explained that I needed was rest after both knew she ment ....
- It was not to wait forever for you
- And it was. On the third day I got intimate with her, but it was not the same. I had changed and she felt, but never could imagine why he had done ... the weeks passed and I felt the need to see the Morocho. I went to jail and we had an intimate encounter ... the last. Because this time I felt the same disgust and the anger that when he raped me. I did not react violently, but almost vomiting when touched me. Now licensed, not what to do. Years ago this happened and I remade my family life. But, should I tell my family? I'm a repressed homosexual? A crazy to put all enjoying the sex of the same gender if it is with violence? ... I came to tell my story with the request to post. Because no one is exempt from pass where I passed. And to advise me, as guilt, shame, pity and so I became not let me life. Especially since I do not know who I am when someone breaks the formalities.
- I think you should get in the hands of a professional to help you overcome the hell you live and, in my modest opinion, due more to the circumstances in which there were attitudes and behaviors that a definition of a perverse personality change
- I do not know, I said. I wanted to drain it, and you've got. You have no idea how much I blame. I've become sullen, dry with my wife and my children, withdrawn. Waiting for someone to help me, or my God take me to rest completely. Changed
definitely changed. Anger, hatred, revenge, buried aberration harsh on your skin, they did accept other ports ... the result of anchoring own nightmares. She no longer feels no light, no window, not even yours. Only the pilot diverted perversions traveling outside the map as a guide forced him to once satisfied the elemental passion, leave without compensation to injured and what was an irreverent crack of his bones. They forced him to change. A doubt what it was. To be, even what he never wanted to be. And the instinct then was repeated with a vengeance in the flesh, in your mind, your values, no limits, no continuity and no respect. Hence he ended his life elsewhere, who left his mark in another way, but his anger continues to fuel the site of his shame irreversibly. And no love, even for him, but no one should know. Only your pillow, that foul corner, its manhood violated and that blame always ringing in his steps, the traces of all the winds. Because it's not the north of his footsteps as he was concerned, not even the rapture of the best of their effort ... just the way his sickeningly tour by others, waterlogged his life, his family and his dreams.
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